Love at second sight
By Susan Rabin and Barbara Lagowski
As an author, therapist and flirting expert, let me share this story with you:
Tara, 31, was looking for a guy who appreciated art and liked physical activity. And most of all, she was looking for a man she could talk to who would talk back—not from his vocal chords but from his heart. Esteban — the professor Tara had been set up with by her friend Jen — had none of these qualities. Esteban peered at her and said little. Tara sat quietly, hoping that silence would draw out her reticent date. The date, of course, was their last.
But a week later, Tara was at a street fair when she saw Jen salsa dancing with Esteban! Tara was shocked. Who was this wild-and-crazy guy? And why had Esteban been such a stick-in-the-mud with her? Jen shared: Esteban didn’t like talking about himself, but he was a font of information about history—and a wonderfully enthusiastic dancer. Esteban had come to life at the street fair. He wasn’t just erudite, he was loads of fun. Esteban was just the kind of guy she had told Jen she was seeking. Why hadn’t she seen that when she had a chance?
The myth of love at first sight
Love at first sight is the cosmetically-enhanced superstar in the emotional pantheon. It is showy; explosively, totally overblown; and it gets all the media. Think of the way it is portrayed: Two hapless people are miraculously drawn into each other’s orbits. Their eyes meet. Their hearts open. Bells ring, birds sing. But how many of us are so busy listening for bells that we never hear the quiet “click” that signals deep, lasting affection?
It gives us pause when we hear someone say, “I married my best friend.” Finding both passion and devotion in a single person can seem impossible until we take a closer look at our attitudes. Many of us believe that love “happens,” but friendship develops. That kind of thinking eliminates all of those worthy prospects who capture our hearts day by day.
So your date was not love at first sight. Is he or she worth a second look? Consider these eye-opening romantic strategies.
Don’t be the typecasting type.
“I like tall, slender blonds,” my friend Vicki announced. That’s fine. I have an inclination for classical art—but that doesn’t keep me from appreciating a cubist sculpture.
If you feel that you can discern which partner might be right for you on first glance or from across the room, look at your belief system. Does the physical type you prefer reveal something about the image you want to portray? What physical characteristics denote success to you? Sensitivity? Uber-cool?
Your happiness is at stake here. The choosing of a new friend should at least merit the consideration you would put into selecting new shoes: Style is a factor, but comfort is key. It may take a bit of aimless strolling to know if the fit is right.
Focus on what’s really important.
Some people come to us for a reason; others are important to us for a season. Which type of person is the one you are with? If a fling is in order, throw caution to the wind. But if it’s lasting love you’re looking for, then friendship and communication must develop. Give a new friendship time to take its course.
Set to “defrost.” Wait.
Even in this age, when confession is considered good for the soul, there are still many people who do not spill their guts until they’ve gotten to know you. If he seems reserved, maybe he’s saving himself for someone who’ll put in a little effort. If she is the kind of nut you might like, but a tough one to crack, maybe she’s looking for the right person to open up to. People don’t warm at the same rates. Give your partner a little time to acclimate.
Are you being too picky?
Think of the last 20 men or women you’ve dated. Go through it, checking off the men or women you were attracted to. If you feel attracted to at least half of the men/women you date, you are open to a healthy range of types and personalities. But if you are having a hard time mustering up interest in the people who want to see you, you may have set your sights especially high.
Know the difference between a harmless habit and a deal-breaker.
Something may be bugging you about a recent date, but is it a permanent or passing issue? I can’t tell you how many men and women I know how gave a perfectly nice date the boot because he or she was too chubby, couldn’t dance, didn’t like museums, was a vegetarian, or showed some other characteristic that might evolve. Meanness or intellectual dullness may be a permanent condition, but hair, hips and habits are subject to change. Don’t be quick to say good-bye forever to someone who might mellow over time.
Consider a change of venue.
If he’s a dud over dinner, if she’s a clod on the tennis court, it is possible that these are not the places where he or she can shine! Set up a second date, but allow him or her to choose the location or the activity. Even a jewel loses its luster when it’s not in the right setting.
Excerpted from "Lucky in Love" by Susan Rabin and Barbara Lagowski. Copyright Susan Rabin and Barbara Lagowski, 2005. Used by arrangement with Plume, a member of Penguin Group (USA) Inc. May only be downloaded for non-commercial use.
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